A woman* in her mid-30s came into therapy with me a couple of months after her father died following a brief, sudden illness. She was going to work, getting things done, exercising and sleeping reasonably well. From the outside, she appeared to be coping fine.
But she struggled to think or talk about her father, and life felt flat. The sadness wasn’t there, but neither were pleasure or joy. Her boyfriend encouraged her to “lean into grief,” which left her confused. What did that even mean? How was she supposed to lean into something she could barely feel? Was she doing grief wrong?
In my work as a psychotherapist specializing in grief and major life transitions, I often hear that question: “Am I grieving in a healthy way?” Grief can feel unfamiliar and confusing, especially when your response differs from what you expected. I help clients make sense of their experience and find ways to navigate loss at a pace that feels manageable. We begin with what you are experiencing today.
Understanding grief: There is no single right way to feel
Grief is a natural response to losing someone or something important to you. That might be a loved one, a relationship, a home, a job, or a future you had imagined.
Experiences of grief vary. Grief does not only mean sadness; it can include anger, guilt, regret, relief, or numbness, as well as a myriad of other feelings.
Culturally, we often talk about the five stages associated with Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s work: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. What gets less attention is that these are not steps everyone must complete in order. They offer language for some experiences of loss, rather than a timetable for grieving. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross Foundation
Grief can be messier and less predictable than we expect. It can feel tidy and linear, or quite often, it feels like a rollercoaster.
My client’s numbness did not, by itself, mean she was grieving incorrectly or avoiding her feelings. Yet the encouragement to “lean into grief” left her wondering whether she should be doing something differently.
Should she be crying? Talking about her dad? Feeling angry that he had died so quickly? Did going to work mean she wasn’t taking in what had happened? Being able to function tells us something about what a person can manage. It does not tell us everything about how they feel.
What can grief feel like?
If you feel numb or unsure where to begin, you do not have to summon a large emotional response. You can start with something small.
Notice what is present. Numbness, flatness or even irritation can be a starting point. You do not have to find sadness underneath them.
Make small amounts of room for the loss. If it feels OK, spend a moment with a memory, photograph, or brief conversation. This is a wonderful thing to do on your own, or with a friend or therapist.
Allow breaks. Everyday routines and moments of enjoyment can have a place alongside your loss. Even laughing can be a part of your life during this hard time!
Ask for specific support. You could say, “I’d like company, but I don’t want advice about how I should be feeling.”
Support your basic needs. Keep taking care of yourself simple and routine: meals, exercise, sleep. Try to accept help where it feels ok.
“Leaning into grief” might mean acknowledging where you are, moment by moment. It does not have to mean pushing yourself to cry or talk before you want to.
What can therapy for grief help with?
In therapy, we make space for your experience without requiring it to look a particular way. Our work together might include:
Speaking honestly without having to manage a friend’s or family member’s response.
Exploring your relationship with the person or thing you have lost, including conflicting feelings.
Working with guilt, self-criticism and expectations about how you should grieve.
Understanding changes in your identity, relationships and daily life.
Considering whether additional assessment or support would be helpful.
You do not need to arrive knowing what you want to say. We can begin with what feels difficult to put into words.
How I work with grief: AEDP, somatic and experiential therapy
I work with Accelerated Experiential Dynamic Psychotherapy (AEDP), an approach that places emotional experience and the relationship between the client and therapist at the heart of the work. Working with experience as it unfolds is central to the approach. AEDP Institute
When I work with clients who are experiencing grief, we begin wherever you are: sadness, anger, confusion, numbness, or something you cannot yet name. You don't need to bring a particular feeling.
The somatic aspect of my work means we may pay attention to how you experience something physically. That might be tightness, heaviness, a change in breathing, or the sensation of feeling rigid. The experiential aspect means we explore what is happening in the session, alongside talking about what has happened in your life.
With my client, I began by acknowledging that numbness can be part of grief. We did not need to decide immediately what it meant or try to make it disappear.
I brought curiosity to how she was experiencing it in her body. Together, we explored what she described as tightness. As she paid attention, I noticed a small shift: she let out a long sigh, settled further into the couch, and her gaze softened.
That moment did not tell us that her grief was resolved. It gave us something to notice together: a change in how she was feeling as we made room for her experience.
In this work, I am not asking you to produce an emotion. We can stay curious about what is present, check how the exploration feels and slow down or pause when you need to.
You can begin with what you feel today
You do not need to prove that your loss mattered by feeling a particular way. We can start with what you are experiencing and make room for whatever comes next.
I’m an individual and couples therapist offering in-person therapy in Brooklyn, New York, and virtual therapy throughout New York State. If you would like support with grief, an initial consultation gives us a chance to discuss what you are going through and whether working together feels right for you.